Chapter 13: Depression

I saw multiple therapists during this time to deal with the emotional damage I suffered while in this relationship. Below are slightly edited progress notes from some of my sessions. Edits were made in relation to spelling, grammar, punctuation, and formatting. These notes reflect how I moved through the five stages of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance) and struggled to rationalize and make sense of the abuse. At times, I lashed out and misdirected my anger toward other people (his family) and broader issues (racism, Islam, etc.), when the responsibility belonged solely with Sherif.

You will see that I struggled to move on and experienced extreme guilt, anxiety, and distrust, even after entering a new relationship with my current partner, who treated me with consistency and care. I explain why it was so difficult to detach from Sherif in the trauma bonding section.

June 14 was the last time I saw Sherif Rizk in person. Our final communication exchange occurred in October 2025.

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Figure 47 Verbal degradation and emotional cruelty following separation, illustrating dismissal of emotional pain and comparison to other women as a means of humiliation and control.

February 10th, 2025

Fatima reported that she was feeling stressed out and frustrated due to some concerns about her relationship with her boyfriend. She is seeking a therapist with the same background as her boyfriend, who is a Muslim gentleman. She is often confused and cannot figure out his motives and goals in life, particularly in terms of their relationship. Fatima stated that she cannot fully trust him, as he has been secretive about many matters in his life. She is trying to give him the benefit of the doubt. Fatima reported that she has been frustrated for months seeking a relationship and that she wants to settle down in life. She dates different men through internet matchmaking, but she cannot feel comfortable, as she cannot trust many of the men who present themselves as being all put together; once she gets involved, she finds them to be unreliable. Fatima feels that she is running out of time and that she needs to settle down in life.

February 26th, 2025

Fatima continues to report stress and frustration due to relational issues. She reported that she was feeling depressed and stressed out. She stated that she tries to understand her boyfriend, but he is often very secretive. She is upset that he does not want to introduce her to his family. She wants to visit the place where he stays, but he does not allow her to do so. Fatima also experiences anger and frustration that she cannot get definitive answers from him when she has many questions about various issues.

March 19th, 2025

Fatima related that she was still feeling very frustrated that her relationship is not going well. She is feeling stressed out and having great difficulty with concentration, and she is also feeling very depressed and does not have the mental energy to do much. She is discouraged about looking for someone she can fall in love with, as she cannot trust anybody. She is considering going back on antidepressants. She often wonders if there is something wrong with her and whether she cannot attract a man of her liking. She doubts herself and whether she will ever find somebody of her choosing. Fatima reported that her significant other is not interacting with or seeing her, citing religious holidays. She feels he is using this as an excuse to avoid being with her.

April 2nd, 2025

Fatima related that she is very frustrated with her significant other, who is not responding to her outreach efforts. They often exchange text messages that lead to more anger and frustration. She does not know what he wants. Every single text message seems to be something meant to degrade her. She knows she should not maintain this relationship, but she cannot stop thinking about him and being with him.

April 30th, 2025

Fatima related that she is feeling very angry at her Muslim “so-called” boyfriend, who has been very mysterious and secretive. She is very upset to learn about his background, including a history of criminal and violent behavior. She is angry at his family for accepting him as he is while not accepting her. She stated that she is a good person who has done right in her life, has never been in trouble, has obtained an education, and has a good job, but that he has nothing to offer to anyone. Fatima cannot understand how some people can use religion to promote themselves when they are not doing the right thing. This makes her more frustrated and depressed.

May 12th, 2025

Fatima reported that she was feeling very depressed, sad, and bored. She related that she feels empty and alone. She cannot trust anyone she meets on the internet. She tries to meet people on social networks, but there is no one to her liking. She is very fixated on this Muslim man, who she feels has no qualities as a person or as a human being, yet she cannot break away from him. She is not sure whether it is her love for him that keeps her feeling attached. When she looks back, she has many reasons to hate him, but she is not done with him.

July 5th, 2025

Fatima related that she was in crisis mode again and needed to speak to her therapist urgently. She could not rest or relax. She is very frustrated over her relationships. Her sleep is affected, and her concentration is affected. She is feeling very depressed and frustrated. She finds herself experiencing mixed emotions. She feels that she cannot process her thoughts and feelings and feels like she is losing control or losing her mind. She feels there is no peace in her life. She cannot believe how one person can affect her so much. She is angry at her Muslim boyfriend and his family. She is angry that he uses his religion as an excuse to defend himself for all the bad things he does to others, especially women. She knows that he has betrayed many women and has done many bad things in life, yet his family still loves him. She feels that he is a hypocrite. She is very insulted and hurt.

July 7th, 2025

Fatima continues to report being in crisis mode as she continues to experience extreme internal discomfort due to her relationship issues. She is feeling very angry toward this Muslim boyfriend, who has been nothing but disrespectful toward her. She has broken up with him many times, but she keeps going back to him despite all his issues and problems.

August 24th, 2025

Fatima said that she was in crisis mode again, as she was feeling extremely stressed out and upset. She said that she cannot handle her anger well. She was very unhappy with what has been going on in her life over the last few months. She feels that she cannot stay calm or relax. She reports having poor concentration at work and does not find pleasure in anything nowadays. She also expressed frustration with her living conditions. Fatima expressed frustration that her family members are not supportive or understanding of her situation. She feels that they have become judgmental toward her.

August 26th, 2025

Fatima continues to report being in crisis mode, as she feels extreme anger, emotional dysregulation, and poor concentration. She is disheartened by her experiences with different men throughout her life. She said she always wanted to be different from other girls and refrained during her college years so that she could preserve herself for a good person to be her future partner and settle down contentedly. She said she becomes frustrated every time she engages with her Muslim boyfriend, who has not shown any interest in resuming their relationship. She feels that it is only for his self-interest that he would like to maintain a relationship of convenience. This makes her feel disrespected and disgusted.

September 15th, 2025

Fatima related that she may have found a nice person, but she cannot fully trust him. She cannot trust anybody, as she had experienced a terrible time with her Muslim boyfriend. She feels that this person is very nice and kind to her, but there are issues she needs to be mindful of. Fatima said she keeps going back to the days she spent with her Muslim boyfriend and feels very comfortable being with him. She continues to experience anger toward him. Every communication with him ends up being hostile. She said that he does something to her mentally that triggers her anger and causes her to lose composure, even in text messages.

September 18th, 2025

Fatima related that she was in crisis mode again due to her relational issues. She could not relax or rest. She was very frustrated as she revisited memories of her past experiences in difficult relationships throughout her lifetime. She is very angry at her Muslim ex-boyfriend, who continues to exploit and manipulate her mentally. She wishes she could turn him off in her mind, but this has not been possible, as she continues to feel very angry toward him. She cannot focus on her current relationship, even though she is enjoying a new one.

September 19th, 2025

Fatima reported that she was in crisis mode and needed to be seen immediately. She continued to express frustration over her relationship with her ex-boyfriend, who is Muslim and from an Egyptian family. She is very frustrated that she cannot figure out why somebody who claims to be a devoted Muslim mistreated her for all this time. She feels very traumatized every time she thinks of him and also every time she tries to communicate with him.

September 22nd, 2025

Fatima continues to relate frustration and stress due to ongoing relational issues. She cannot rest and relax. She says that she often experiences anger and wants to hurt her ex Muslim boyfriend. Fatima does not feel like she can move on until she confronts him and addresses some issues so she can feel satisfied. She is now feeling angry toward his family, who did not want to accept her into their community. She knows where they live and the community. She has been there and had dinner there just to feel the community. Whenever she went into that community, she felt like an outsider. She felt everyone was looking at her because of her skin color and race. This makes her more angry in retrospect.

October 2nd, 2025

Fatima related that she was feeling very depressed and sad. She has no motivation. She does not enjoy anything anymore. She feels all beaten up. She cannot think of moving on in her life unless she addresses some issues from her past experiences with her ex Muslim boyfriend. She often thinks of the past and daydreams about their time together. She could not believe that they could not continue the relationship despite everything she did in that relationship. Now she feels like a failure. She understands that the man was not kind or respectful toward her, but she still loved him on some level. She really cannot figure out how she feels, what she feels, or why she feels the way she feels.

October 7th, 2025

Fatima reported that she continued to experience depression and frustration over her ongoing struggle to settle down in a relationship. She is troubled by memories of past failed relationships and mistreatment by various men throughout her adult life. She is particularly angry at the man of Muslim faith. She tries to communicate and address some issues, but every time they go back and forth through text messages, the discussion turns negative. She gets frustrated that he does not hear her out. She gets upset that he does not respect her and often puts her down. Fatima is exploring a new relationship with a nice man, but she is apprehensive. She does not feel she will get what she is looking for, and she cannot take a chance.

October 13th, 2025

Fatima related that she is having sleep issues and cannot relax or enjoy her life. She continued to be apprehensive about new relationships. She cannot really enjoy her social life anymore. Her mind takes her back to her relationship with her former boyfriend of Muslim faith. Fatima continues to be puzzled by the whole experience.

October 20th, 2025

Fatima reported that she is dating a man of Jewish faith. He is good-looking with a pleasant demeanor. He shows her love and care. He is also very respectful and understanding toward her. However, she cannot fully enjoy being with him, as she has apprehension about him given his family background and family history of certain issues. Fatima stated that she keeps going back to her old failed relationship with the man of Muslim faith. She gets frustrated that she cannot break away from that. She feels violated and feels the need to confront him and put him in his place. She experiences a lot of anger toward him.

November 1st, 2025

Fatima continues to express dissatisfaction and unhappiness with her life, particularly around issues of love and relationships. She reports having occasional depressive episodes, worries, and stress related to unresolved issues from the past. She reports being fully consumed by disturbing and unsettling thoughts. Fatima finds herself revisiting her past and trying to understand interactions with her ex-boyfriend of Muslim faith.

November 5th, 2025

Fatima related that she is spending more time with her new boyfriend of Jewish faith. She appreciates him being affectionate and loving toward her. However, she continues to feel apprehensive and not eager to settle down with him. She is concerned that his family may not accept her, and she does not want to go through the same experience as before. Her family, especially her father, is not very warm toward this gentleman because of race. Fatima reported that she continues to delve into her past experiences with the man of Muslim faith. She is very frustrated when she finds that she cannot break away from rumination about the past and the mistreatment by her ex-boyfriend. She talked a great deal about how they got involved and how the relationship initially was, but progressively worsened as she became more intimate with him.

November 25th, 2025

Fatima reported that she continued to feel depressed and unhappy, especially when she thinks about her past relationship. She is triggered by bad memories and mistreatment by her former boyfriend of Muslim faith. She gets angry every time she thinks of him. However, she related that she really appreciates her current boyfriend, who has been very nice to her and shows extraordinary appreciation for her. She is surprised that he knows her so well and is able to comfort her and meet her needs. They appreciate each other tremendously. However, she is not fully confident about settling down with him. She has many questions and worries about her future with him.

January 4th, 2026

Fatima related that she was very upset to learn that her former boyfriend of Muslim faith had fathered a child, which she learned through Facebook. She was upset to see how many women he had hurt over the years. She is very angry at his family for enabling him to continue his misbehavior. She finds all of them to be hypocrites. She has a strong desire to protect other women. As such, she has decided to share her story on Facebook to alert other women. She feels very frustrated that he is roaming around and taking advantage of innocent women. She feels that justice needs to be served by spreading negative stories about him. She has made this a personal mission so that other women will be protected and respected. She has tried to reach out to his family members, but so far she has not been able to make progress in that mission. Fatima reported that she is unable to enjoy her life because of this ongoing rumination. She finds herself feeling angry at herself for having subjected herself to his mistreatment.