Chapter 2: How Did He Abuse Me?
From this point forward, I present examples of interactions and behaviors that I experienced as emotionally harmful.
To do so, I rely on the Power and Control Wheel developed by the Domestic Abuse Intervention Project, which identifies common tactics used in abusive relationships. Using this framework, I highlight the emotional abuse behaviors that were present in our relationship and illustrate how they functioned over time.
Figure 9 The Power and Control Wheel developed by the Domestic Abuse Intervention Project, illustrating common tactics used in abusive relationships.
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The evidence presented in the chapters that follow is not linear. This was a year-long relationship, and documenting every interaction in chronological order would be impractical and overwhelming. Instead, I present the messages, incidents, and behaviors that are most relevant to understanding his manipulation. These examples are representative, not exhaustive.
It is important to state clearly that engaging in one or more of these behaviors on occasion does not automatically make someone abusive. The defining characteristic of abuse is pattern. Abuse is established through repetition, escalation, and the continued use of harmful behavior after it has been identified and addressed.
Over the course of a year, I repeatedly communicated to Sherif, clearly and directly, how his words, behaviors, and actions affected me. I raised concerns in multiple ways, at different times, and with increasing emotional clarity. The behaviors I raised concerns about continued to occur.
During my final attempt at reconciliation, Sherif explicitly acknowledged that this was a recurring pattern in his life and stated that nothing I said or did would be the reason he would change it.
Figure 10 Text messages from Sherif acknowledging a recurring pattern of behavior and stating that nothing said or done would cause him to change it.