Chapter 11: Stonewalling
Definition and Pattern of Behavior
Stonewalling “occurs when one partner emotionally withdraws from an argument or conversation, refusing to engage or respond” (Leno, What Is Stonewalling and Why Does It Damage Relationships?). Throughout the relationship, Sherif repeatedly engaged in stonewalling as a means of control. He would go hours, and sometimes days, without responding to my messages, returning my calls, or acknowledging attempts at communication. At times, we would go months without seeing each other.
This withdrawal was never explained, negotiated, or contextualized. I was left to guess when, or if, I would hear from him again. Each silence carried the implicit threat that our last interaction might be the final one.
Psychological Impact and Conditioning
The unpredictability of his disappearances placed me in a constant state of fear and hypervigilance. I felt as though I had to walk on eggshells, carefully monitoring my words and emotions to avoid triggering another withdrawal. Because contact was so infrequent, I learned to overvalue the rare moments of connection. When we did spend time together, I felt pressure to be agreeable, grateful, and quiet, afraid that expressing discomfort or asserting a need would cause him to disappear again.
Over time, I became more hesitant to express my feelings, even when I felt hurt or confused. I found myself holding back in situations where I would have previously spoken up. Silence began to feel uncomfortable rather than neutral.
Effects on Mental and Emotional Health
Abuse can make a person feel straitjacketed, trapped within their own unexpressed emotions. Swallowing anger and fear over long periods can lead to depression, nightmares, emotional numbing, and disruptions in eating and sleeping patterns. As Lundy Bancroft explains, these reactions are not signs of personal instability, but predictable responses to chronic emotional abuse (Bancroft, p. 60).
In my case, the emotional toll of stonewalling was later used against me. My distress was framed as evidence that I was “too emotional,” “unstable,” or “dramatic,” reinforcing the abusive cycle and further discouraging me from speaking out.
Stonewalling did not resolve conflict, it erased me from the relationship whenever it was convenient for him. The silence itself became a punishment, one that trained me to accept less, ask for less, and expect less over time.